You learn a lot about people, driving a cab. Yeah, the business is LlamaLimo - we have a few limos that we keep for groups, and share them with another company in town: the prices are identical, but it depends on which one of us is called first, and how desperate they are. The stories I could tell about those times...!
But that's for another evening, maybe when I've slept enough to see the humor in the situations. Some stuff is sad, or annoying, or just down-right makes ya mad while it's going on - only later can you see it as an outsider, and laugh. Then there's nights like tonight, where it's a comedy from the beginning.
We do dispatch from the office, like any other normal company. our office just happens to be a converted home in one of the older sections of town. The phone rings, someone wants a ride someplace (or the wrong number - the boss keeps billing the Exotic Food And Massage place for the calls we get - the cell company gave them a number that was close to ours), or someone wanting to book a trip or a tour. We see which car is closest, or who's up next, or some other method and go take care of the customer. We may goof around in the office, but we have all been broke - and none of us want to go back to that - so we straighten out, and act professional.
This ride started out with none of that happening: some guy walks up, and sits in a car. Yeah, it's the driver's fault for leaving the door unlocked.... We hear the door slam, and look out the window to see him in the car. Before the assigned driver can make it to the door, this person starts blowing the horn, then gets out of the car, seemingly intent on knocking on the door.
I hear someone mutter "Oh, not him again." I take a closer look, and sure enough, it's him: Josh, the guy lived in the neighbourhood where out office is, and presumes that he has the right to 'stop by and visit' every time he gets drunk. He's not a bad drunk - gets a loud mouth, and thinks he's macho, but that's the worst of it. All of us figure he needs to stop and pick up another bottle, and get a ride home.
I lose the battle of wills, and grab the keys to the car he's just been in. Normally, I and the other driver hate having someone else drive our car, but there's no need to get two of them smelly. A promise that I'll grab an air freshener and other supplies, and out the door I go.
To be enveloped in a huge hug, and a million questions about my private life. None of which I try and answer - Josh isn't listening to anyone but himself. He stumbles out, and crawls back into the front seat. This isn't good - the seats in back have protective plastic just in case of 'accidents', and the front seat is usually reserved for our paperwork, and the rare trainee or ride-along we have.
I shrug - asking him to get in back will delay getting him where ever he needs to go by some unknown factor. Adding a bottle of seat cleaner to the mental tab I'm making, I get in, and get ready to start the car. Josh has slowed down on talking, so I might be able to get an answer as to where he wants to go before I get more than a few blocks away. Little did I know.
"I want to go!" What the heck?! Who - ohkay - it's Alice, the lady that Josh normally 'visits' (in that, I presumed, his knowledge that she nearly always has a bottle around). She a widow, and a rough-looking 60. And the tight top, jean shorts, and unmatched beach-walkers don't improve her appearance at all. She hobbles over and makes a futile attempt to seat herself gracefully on plastic-covered seats, sticky because of the humidity from the recent rain. I presume that this was half-planned, since he's telling her to hurry.
She gets in, and smiles at me. I do my darnedest not to wince - her habits have resulted in missing teeth and the wrinkles frankly are enough to frighten off wild animals. She looks at Josh, and announces "Pizza!" He half turns and starts a mild (for them) disagreement on whether to have pizza again, or KFC. I keep getting pulled in as a decision maker - I really don't care, as long as they decide soon.
A phone is found, the face of it and the correct direction for 'portrait' is figured out, and a call made. All of us have cell phones that beep when the office phone rings - mine is the as-yet unduplicated theme to Danger Mouse - and it sounds, much louder than I anticipated. I grab for my phone, turning the volume down while impatiently waiting for him to finish the call, and then to decide what they will have for dinner.
Yep, you guessed it - he's calling the office. After promising myself that I will not throw them both out of the car if he calls for a taxi, I listen to maybe get a clue as to what a decision might be. Even with the windows down, its starting to get ripe in here. Josh mentions that he is headed out for chicken (which I take as a sign that that is the decision in his mind), and back out onto the street. From what I can gather, it appears Josh is trying to be 'sweet' to my boss, and buy her dinner. After about a block or so, it appears that she's given in and said yes. He hangs up with a grin.
Alice apparently still wants pizza - she asks for it, or tries to change his mind into getting a pizza at least four times a block. Quietly, he asks to stop at a convenience store to get her a slice of pizza. This seems logical - and so out of character I darn near slam on the brakes, figuring that Josh has fallen out of the car and some stranger is in the seat. Nope, it's him: the hangover must have started, and he wants her to be quiet. Alice sits back and beams, happy that she got her way, even if she protests another dozen times that she'll be happy with just chicken.
Things quiet down, and the thank-yous start. It isn't like you aren't paying me to drive - I could be content with that. But it's better than Josh and Alice disagreeing with each other. Alice gets it in her head that they need to buy me dinner, and I'm not going to start that discussion again. There's someone in the office that usually will eat, and if not: there are plenty of other places a small meal will be welcome. And we're almost there - the traffic has been light, and it seems that fate has decided to let this be an easy trip.
As we pull into the parking lot, Alice remembers there is a buffet here- all you can eat! Mentally going through my list of supplies in the bag (never leave the office without it!), I determine that I have enough with me to waste a half hour or so while they eat. So, no, thank you, I don't want to join you - I have paperwork to catch up on. As they exit the car, at two very different paces, the decision of eat in or take out still hasn't been made.
The parking lot is fairly full - even if take out is the choice, they are going to be there a while. I drop a text to the office, letting them know where I am, and what the situation is. No one there can believe he's being quiet, either. I had just set the phone down, and see Alice, hands full of plates, napkins, and other 'free' things come out in tears. Now what? I don't see Josh. The possibilities start to mount up in my mind, but none of them come close to the truth.
Due to the 'lack of choice' on the buffet - it's fast food, what did you expect? - the decision was made for take out. Okay so far, so good. Around the tears, it seems that Josh had decided to custom-order food for 5 people, choosing piece by piece, rather than a corporate-approved package. This, of course, is a custom order, and more expensive. When the order was read back, and he was finally happy with what it contained, the total was announced - over $80 to feed five people. Alice heard him start to yell, and got over from ransacking the condiment area in time to hear him cancel the order, and stomp out.
After a flash of sympathy for him (I agree, that is excessive, but the time in line would have shown that there were less-expensive options), we carefully back out, and cruise the parking lot to see if he's still there, and just forgot where the car is. No luck, nor do I see him walking down the sidewalks. Next guess was he needed a cigarette, or a drink, so we swing around the block to check the store and see if he's walking faster and is halfway to the bar.
Nope.
Since he was adamant about the chicken, I guessed he must be hungry, so back around, and into the taco place across from KFC. Alice, the tears now drying (and I'm thankful she didn't wear her usual amount of makeup) lets me park directly across from the door, but pointed away from the building. It seems prudent to do this; as I don't want my face known alongside Josh's. Alice unsticks herself from the seat, and goes inside to see if he's in there. I anticipate a quick return, so I know if we have to go looking for him.
Tick tick tick.... this is one reason Josh's trips are never charged by time.
Alice comes outside, looking desperate. Oh grand - he isn't there. I just hope she was coherent enough not to walk in and check the men's room. After a few moments of looking frantically, she see the car and nearly in front of someone trying to make it to the drive-thru, runs to my side. I listen closely for sirens, since I know she has a fear of them, among her many other 'charms'. A wave of scent hits me before she's half way across the driving lane - did she just pour an entire bottle of scent on herself?
Attempting to ignore the cloud of scent, I ask if he's there. Since she asks if the boss likes tacos, and what type of shell is preferred (no, she doesn't, so I mention something that I know will be eaten) I make a guess that Josh has been found. Armed with this information, she returns to the store; thankfully she checks for traffic this time. As she leaves, so does a vehicle near the door - this may save effort in finding me once they are done, regardless of outcome.
Josh, this time, is the first one back. I get told the chicken story again, and then told that 'these people tried the same thing!' I know it;s futile, but by now, I want to shake him and ask him to read, or at least ask for suggestions on what the less-expensive alternative is. Alice comes out, after again having raided the condiment bar, with another sack. This looks like it will feed the crowd there: success! Before I can say anything, Josh states, "After that, I need a drink."
Alice, whom I have to wonder about at this moment, mentions she has two dollars. I'm hoping the confusion isn't plain enough to see on my face, and apparently it doesn't show. Josh wants to stop and get a bottle, and a discussion of cigarettes was made in the store while waiting. It's two blocks to the liquor store, and apparently the money is a huge thing to Alice, since she keeps trying to give it away. Josh has me park close to the door, and goes in, leaving the dollar bills hanging out the back passenger window, and a very confused Alice.
The wait is about the average length to pick up two items, so when he returns empty-handed, I again listen for sirens; this seems a practical thing, considering how the run has been. The bank has locked his card, after the large order and cancel, and then another purchase quickly after it. So, no bottle, and no smokes. I'm thankful for this - at the moment, I wouldn't trust them not to light up in defiance of the large "NO SMOKING" signs the regular driver has had installed in the car. As we pull away, Alice wants to know where they are going: his place or hers. Her place is the choice, and the rest of the ride home is a near-repeat of the trip out, varied only by the amount of money Josh thinks he should have been able to access on his card.
I drop them off, with three (?!) tacos sitting on top of the bag. A quick text to let the regular driver know what I'm grabbing, and I find out I've been asked to do another run, before i can even pull away.
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