Shifted post: Designing Your Life Chapter 2, and a bit more

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An Imperfect Compass

This chapter deals with "What aspects of work feed your life, and vice versa?" This is something I've never struggled with - my life has been so involved with other people that I've never, honestly, had time to figure this out. But now, I'm moving forward, and it's time to take a look at this.

I've been in the sandwich my whole life -- even if that sounds like an exaggeration. I was raised by my grandparents, because my mother was a nurse working the night shift, and my father away at school, getting his teaching degree, then teaching in small towns. So until early elementary/primary school, I was fairly free, except for the occasions when I wanted to explore my world. I remember well when my grandfather died (at about the age of 8), and the decision was - by default - to leave me with my grandmother. I added as many chores as possible, and took delight in the few times I was invited to visit a school friend. They never visited me - which was just accepted as part of my life - until high school/college.

Even vacations weren't the ideal time - I either was assisting my father (during high school) with his apartment in the small towns he worked in, or at his conferences and conventions, where 'family' activities were planned down to the minute - no time to explore the city for me! It was enjoyable, I guess - but after my grandmother passed, there was no option given. My mother (a Depression-era child) informed me that I was much too young to be left alone, and that I was going to spend time with the family.

So now, finally, finding myself with the ability to plan what I want to do seems daunting. I was stopped from trying my first professional love, and - physically - it isn't viable to do anymore.  Looking forward to a totally different career is new: the one I have fallen into is something that I had played with, never considering it a possibility. 

Framing "Why do you work, and what life do you want?" in a positive manner  is forcing me to create a list that can be communicated. Many of the areas are overlapping - looking back, when I've been happiest and most productive, was when work flowed into life and life into work. The list, for right now, is nearly identical.

Having read a bit further in the book, this is also the next step: catching yourself when things are going badly (the easy part), and during 'flow', as programmers understand it.  This actually helped in this area - looking at when I remember being in flow, or unable to find it, and seeing what the variables were that might have helped to encourage either extreme. 

I found the perfect description of what flow feels like to me: in Harry Harrison's The Hammer and The Cross:

forever seeking new knowledge (or new ways to use old knowledge) and support themselves - and their beliefs - by the working skills they have 

(paraphrased for essence). This is the feeling I get: not only am I buoyed by getting things done, and learning and sharing this knowledge; but I know I am doing something to support myself and the wider community. 

The setting doesn't seem to have much to do with it: I can find flow in either personal or work life nearly anywhere. Finding something I can do, have the skills to, and the passion for is easy, right now - I'm self-taught, and work hardest on those things that either interest me, or I have to get through. 

The latter, here, involves me being able to 'play': finding resources and information, and sharing them with others. That not only helps my confidence, but makes it a more positive item, and everyone has the same information to work from. I think this will be a good thing, when employed and assigned a task that isn't a good match.

With a look from that perspective, my life has to be more than getting a salary, and spending it on the basic needs. 

• I want enjoyable challenges - something that pushes the boundaries of my skills, but also want the knowledge that the team, and maybe even a mentor or three has the time and willingness to give me a hint to make sure I am not stuck too long. 

• I will learn, regardless, but an environment where it is not only expected but encouraged that you learn both work and non-work skills would be my preference. 

• As with most people, I need to feel like I am making contributions to the overall task, even if it means shifting tasks occasionally to make sure that the solution chosen is not the only option there.

• I have many skills - some even backed up by formal education. I want an opportunity to use these daily. And having the option to move either sideways (different department) or upwards (to a higher-responsibility position) if needs change, or I find that I simply 'fit' better elsewhere.

• I want to be able to continue my current activities, and add in more social contact. I love my computer, but it isn't always safe to type over a coffee. :)

• In contrast to this, I want some time for me - a small bit every day that isn't scheduled, just to explore and renew.

This feels selfish, to be blunt. There isn't a word in here about accommodating other people's desires, or making sure that things that cannot change (like the need to care for mom) is addressed. Nor making sure that the myriad of small tasks that have fallen to me to do for ages are done.

I'm not sure this is a bad thing, but it's going to take some mental adjustments to accept that this is something I deserve. I have no doubts that this is what I want (and am willing to share publicly). I have the support from many folks that this is not only possible, but probable. I also have those that are comfortable with things as they are, and are unwilling to shift.

I am going to leave this as my goals. I know, now, what I am willing to compromise on to start moving forward, and to investigate a bit more deeply if I don't seem to find a majority of these in the offer of a position.

Shifted Post: Designing My Life: Chapter 1

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Designing My Life:

Thank you, Kyle Shevlin

Thanks to the wonders of the Internet, I have found some good folks. Not all of them I agree with constantly, but I have more who are willing to show, and live, their beliefs. One of these folk found this book, and offered to share insights on his life, as well as give feedback on what others shared. Working remotely, he is in a sandwich-like situation: I’m not fool enough to turn down an outside view! Believing that view, however, is a personal challenge.

The book starts off with the history of the 'system', and a brief look at the author's lives. They do throw in some 'real' situations (I presume simplified for both anonymity and ease of examples) which show how this technique can work. Which is nice- it gives you a feel for the style of writing before you get into the more-personal items. And they can become quickly personal, if allowed.

The first chapter is mostly about finding the baseline for where you are in your life. They break it down into four sections: Love, Play, Work, and as the base item - Health. This feels skimpy- there are so many sections of my life that cross these boundaries that it looks like a Venn diagram done on a plate of spaghetti. Is taking care of family matters work - or love? And how about private time just for thinking - where would that fall? I certainly don't know the answers for you, but for me, this required hours of thought. My life is such a tangle of all of these that finding bounds for them was a tough task.

As, so far, is the 'shadow' side of my life - the things that I don't often air publicly. One example - love (in most of its forms) is complicated by past abuse - and it is work to trust enough to let someone get closer than casual friend. I'm sure that, looking at all of the definitions that are given, that you might find some conflicts that require a bit of thought as to where they actually fall, for you.

There is no 'official' ranking for the quality of each section - how much you do, yes - but nothing for how content you are with what you are doing. I've put them both on a 1-10 scale, and will list the weekly score at the end of each section.

Health:

This is the basis of the other three (I couldn't resist this gif right now).

http://gph.is/17EuKqS

Physical health, at least can be objective. I am in my 50's, and + The same size I was through most of my life

- That size is above the 'normal healthy' levels + Doctors aren't worried overmuch about it,- I don't feel attractive in general.

So, obviously, this isn't one of the higher-ranked items. From the teaser, you might have guessed I've gone back into Pokemon, specifically the Pokemon Go version. So more active (at least when the weather cooperates - even the game is encouraging you to stay inside the past couple of days), and I can notice a difference in the way clothing fits.

Mental health is an issue, and likely the one that brings this score down the most. Being unemployed is a strain on me, and on the household. Which brings stresses that normally would have been buried to the surface, and that brings on the drama.

Spiritually, things have been improving. I've carved out a time to practice - or at least start to - and now am getting many subtle hints that this is a good thing. I still need to do more - but finding a time where other obligations don't overlap is the tough part. I'm taking the 40 seconds between activities to re-focus on what I need to do, and this has helped, as well.

Scores: 2 for overall, quality is 4 - I need to do more in this area.

Work

This includes non-paid work - the authors were quick to point this out. Since this is a college/university level class, that didn't surprise me, but made me thankful. With all of the obligations here between parent and child, plus myself, trying to study, find work, and do the small projects that are paid, there is too much work, and not enough hours.

To my surprise, my knitting fell into this category. I rarely knit for myself, or something 'just for fun'. I have plans to redo some things, and finish a sample knit, but with half the year gone, it seriously looks like it will be put off another year.

Scores 10 for time-filling, 2 for quality.

Play

Since this is something I have been told over and over I have no skill in - at first, I automatically discounted it to a 0, and gave it little thought. Then, finding other things that just didn't quite fit into the other categories, I had to go back and revisit it. Taking play as 'Something you do, but don't have to, because it makes you feel better', I found this to be a rich source of comfort, once I found it.

My play, mostly, consists of assisting others to find things, or improve the quality of answers they get. The delight in finding a site that answers a question (that I have minimal knowledge of), or a dish that meets the new nutritional requirements - and will be welcomed by fussy children - makes me smile. So this is play, for me.

This does include one aspect of Pokemon that surprised me, but not really, once I thought about it - the gifts that you can give friends. Honestly, when this happened, that was my first concern - what do I get this person? Where is their delights? And finding (and convincing the system) to give me gifts from those spots has been a secret goal - now make semi-public.

Scores: 5 for overall, quality is 7 - I want more of this in my life.

Love

This one was tough, for many reasons. I have love in my life - more than I could have ever anticipated, honestly - but none of it is the romantic type. And I find that I mostly don't miss it. 

Having a good friend that will listen, or watch  a movie 'with' you, even if they are in another country, is a gift that I never anticipated. I have people cheering me on, and giving me ideas, and supporting all of my play and a darn large percentage of my work, plus being able to return that to them. Yes, I would like more, but having a stern look at life, and seeing what is there - I find I am blessed.

Scores: 6.5 for quantity, 8 for quality.

'Gravity' problems

This was another area that I had to think on - finding the ones that actually were issues out of my control wasn't the problem, but identifying the ones that I refused to do anything about was an eye opener. I have them now separated in my mind, and am working on accepting the ones that are too scary to change.

LlamaLimo Log: The Run For Food

You learn a lot about people, driving a cab. Yeah, the business is LlamaLimo - we have a few limos that we keep for groups, and share them with another company in town: the prices are identical, but it depends on which one of us is called first, and how desperate they are. The stories I could tell about those times...!

But that's for another evening, maybe when I've slept enough to see the humor in the situations. Some stuff is sad, or annoying, or just down-right makes ya mad while it's going on - only later can you see it as an outsider, and laugh. Then there's nights like tonight, where it's a comedy from the beginning.

We do dispatch from the office, like any other normal company. our office just happens to be a converted home in one of the older sections of town. The phone rings, someone wants a ride someplace  (or the wrong number - the boss keeps billing the Exotic Food And Massage place for the calls we get - the cell company gave them a number that was close to ours), or someone wanting to book a trip or a tour. We see which car is closest, or who's up next, or some other method and go take care of the customer. We may goof around in the office, but we have all been broke - and none of us want to go back to that - so we straighten out, and act professional.

This ride started out with none of that happening: some guy walks up, and sits in a car. Yeah, it's the driver's fault for leaving the door unlocked.... We hear the door slam, and look out the window to see him in the car. Before the assigned driver can make it to the door, this person starts blowing the horn, then gets out of the car, seemingly intent on knocking on the door.

I hear someone mutter "Oh, not him again." I take a closer look, and sure enough, it's him: Josh, the guy lived in the neighbourhood where out office is, and presumes that he has the right to 'stop by and visit' every time he gets drunk. He's not a bad drunk - gets a loud mouth, and thinks he's macho, but that's the worst of it.  All of us figure he needs to stop and pick up another bottle, and get a ride home.

I lose the battle of wills, and grab the keys to the car he's just been in. Normally, I and the other driver hate having someone else drive our car, but there's no need to get two of them smelly. A promise that I'll grab an air freshener and other supplies, and out the door I go.

To be enveloped in a huge hug, and a million questions about my private life. None of which I try and answer - Josh isn't listening to anyone but himself. He stumbles out, and crawls back into the front seat. This isn't good - the seats in back have protective plastic just in case of 'accidents', and the front seat is usually reserved for our paperwork, and the rare trainee or ride-along we have.

I shrug - asking him to get in back will delay getting him where ever he needs to go by some unknown factor. Adding a bottle of seat cleaner to the mental tab I'm making, I get in, and get ready to start the car.  Josh has slowed down on talking, so I might be able to get an answer as to where he wants to go before I get more than a few blocks away. Little did I know.

"I want to go!" What the heck?! Who - ohkay - it's Alice, the lady that Josh normally 'visits' (in that, I presumed, his knowledge that she nearly always has a bottle around). She a widow, and a rough-looking 60. And the tight top, jean shorts, and unmatched beach-walkers don't improve her appearance at all. She hobbles over and makes a futile attempt to seat herself gracefully on plastic-covered seats, sticky because of the humidity from the recent rain. I presume that this was half-planned, since he's telling her to hurry.

She gets in, and smiles at me. I do my darnedest not to wince - her habits have resulted in missing teeth and the wrinkles frankly are enough to frighten off wild animals. She looks at Josh, and announces "Pizza!" He half turns and starts a mild (for them) disagreement on whether to have pizza again, or KFC. I keep getting pulled in as a decision maker - I really don't care, as long as they decide soon.

A phone is found, the face of it and the correct direction for 'portrait' is figured out, and a call made. All of us have cell phones that beep when the office phone rings - mine is the as-yet unduplicated theme to Danger Mouse - and it sounds, much louder than I anticipated. I grab for my phone, turning the volume down while impatiently waiting for him to finish the call, and then to decide what they will have for dinner.

Yep, you guessed it - he's calling the office. After promising myself that I will not throw them both out of the car if he calls for a taxi, I listen to maybe get a clue as to what a decision might be. Even with the windows down, its starting to get ripe in here. Josh mentions that he is headed out for chicken (which I take as a sign that that is the decision in his mind), and back out onto the street. From what I can gather, it appears Josh is trying to be 'sweet' to my boss, and buy her dinner.  After about a block or so, it appears that she's given in and said yes.  He hangs up with a grin.

Alice apparently still wants pizza - she asks for it, or tries to change his mind into getting a pizza at least four times a block. Quietly, he asks to stop at a convenience store to get her a slice of pizza. This seems logical - and so out of character I darn near slam on the brakes, figuring that Josh has fallen out of the car and some stranger is in the seat. Nope, it's him: the hangover must have started, and he wants her to be quiet. Alice sits back and beams, happy that she got her way, even if she protests another dozen times that she'll be happy with just chicken.

Things quiet down, and the thank-yous start. It isn't like you aren't paying me to drive - I could be content with that. But it's better than Josh and Alice disagreeing with each other. Alice gets it in her head that they need to buy me dinner, and I'm not going to start that discussion again. There's someone in the office that usually will eat, and if not: there are plenty of other places a small meal will be welcome. And we're almost there - the traffic has been light, and it seems that fate has decided to let this be an easy trip.

As we pull into the parking lot, Alice remembers there is a buffet here- all you can eat! Mentally going through my list of supplies in the bag (never leave the office without it!), I determine that I have enough with me to waste a half hour or so while they eat. So, no, thank you, I don't want to join you - I have paperwork to catch up on. As they exit the car, at two very different paces, the decision of eat in or take out still hasn't been made.

The parking lot is fairly full - even if take out is the choice, they are going to be there a while. I drop a text to the office, letting them know where I am, and what the situation is. No one there can believe he's being quiet, either. I had just set the phone down, and see Alice, hands full of plates, napkins, and other 'free' things come out in tears. Now what? I don't see Josh. The possibilities start to mount up in my mind, but none of them come close to the truth.

Due to the 'lack of choice' on the buffet - it's fast food, what did you expect? - the decision was made for take out. Okay so far, so good. Around the tears, it seems that Josh had decided to custom-order food for 5 people, choosing piece by piece, rather than a corporate-approved package. This, of course, is a custom order, and more expensive. When the order was read back, and he was finally happy with what it contained, the total was announced - over $80 to feed five people. Alice heard him start to yell, and got over from ransacking the condiment area in time to hear him cancel the order, and stomp out.

After a flash of sympathy for him (I agree, that is excessive, but the time in line would have shown that there were less-expensive options), we carefully back out, and cruise the parking lot to see if he's still there, and just forgot where the car is. No luck, nor do I see him walking down the sidewalks. Next guess was he needed a cigarette, or a drink, so we swing around the block to check the store and see if he's walking faster and is halfway to the bar.

Nope.

Since he was adamant about the chicken, I guessed he must be hungry, so back around, and into the taco place across from KFC. Alice, the tears now drying (and I'm thankful she didn't wear her usual amount of makeup) lets me park directly across from the door, but pointed away from the building. It seems prudent to do this; as I don't want my face known alongside Josh's. Alice unsticks herself from the seat, and goes inside to see if he's in there. I anticipate a quick return, so I know if we have to go looking for him.

Tick tick tick.... this is one reason Josh's trips are never charged by time.

Alice comes outside, looking desperate. Oh grand - he isn't there. I just hope she was coherent enough not to walk in and check the men's room. After a few moments of looking frantically, she see the car and nearly in front of someone trying to make it to the drive-thru, runs to my side. I listen closely for sirens, since I know she has a fear of them, among her many other 'charms'. A wave of scent hits me before she's half way across the driving lane - did she just pour an entire bottle of scent on herself?

Attempting to ignore the cloud of  scent, I ask if he's there. Since she asks if the boss likes tacos, and what type of shell is preferred (no, she doesn't, so I mention something that I know will be eaten) I make a guess that Josh has been found. Armed with this information, she returns to the store; thankfully she checks for traffic this time. As she leaves, so does a vehicle near the door - this may save effort in finding me once they are done, regardless of outcome.

Josh, this time, is the first one back. I get told the chicken story again, and then told that 'these people tried the same thing!' I know it;s futile, but by now, I want to shake him and ask him to read, or at least ask for suggestions on what the less-expensive alternative is. Alice comes out, after again having raided the condiment bar, with another sack. This looks like it will feed the crowd there: success!  Before I can say anything, Josh states, "After that, I need a drink."

Alice, whom I have to wonder about at this moment, mentions she has two dollars. I'm hoping the confusion isn't plain enough to see on my face, and apparently it doesn't show. Josh wants to stop and get a bottle, and a discussion of cigarettes was made in the store while waiting. It's two blocks to the liquor store, and apparently the money is a huge thing to Alice, since she keeps trying to give it away. Josh has me park close to the door, and goes in, leaving the dollar bills hanging out the back passenger window, and a very confused Alice.

The wait is about the average length to pick up two items, so when he returns empty-handed, I again listen for sirens; this seems a practical thing, considering how the run has been. The bank has locked his card, after the large order and cancel, and then another purchase quickly after it. So, no bottle, and no smokes. I'm thankful for this - at the moment, I wouldn't trust them not to light up in defiance of the large "NO SMOKING" signs the regular driver has had installed in the car. As we pull away, Alice wants to know where they are going: his place or hers. Her place is the choice, and the rest of the ride home is a near-repeat of the trip out, varied only by the amount of money Josh thinks he should have been able to access on his card.

I drop them off, with three (?!) tacos sitting on top of the bag. A quick text to let the regular driver know what I'm grabbing, and I find out I've been asked to do another run, before i can even pull away.