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This has been sitting for a while, simply because I didn't want to deal with it. However....
As I sit here, the second black eye of my life fading, I have fallen into introspection. This should not happen, and I will not deal with it.
Even if I have been told - again - from those in real life around me, that this is all my fault.
I am a tolerant person, but this is where my limit ends.
There are a lot of similar chords in these two incidents: the time of year, the thoughts of actually moving forward with life and being more than I was, and the fact that it was unexpected, in truth, both times.
But this time, things are different, so I'm treating this, now as a bookend that closes the section of my life where this can happen. I've lived in that space for nearly half my life: it's time to at least peek out the door, and see what the world has to offer.
Many of the differences are not obvious to an outsider, regardless of how well they know me through the keyboard - other than I might be a bit more quiet and intensely focused (a third of a baby blanket in a month? That would have been unheard of before this), as well as a reluctance to disturb people with 'real' things to do while I sat inside, hoping this would go away quickly.
I now have a community now, of not only readers and ex-coworkers, but the groups that I have joined during this time had nearly convinced me that I was worthy and ready to go onward. A few, very special, ones have made it a point to encourage me in ways that would have seemed fantasy to myself 25 years ago.
And the many, many others who have said things that helped keep me afloat, or brought a smile, or simply pulled me out of myself for a few moments. The cumulative effect of these small kindnesses has made it possible for me to come out of this time with sanity, and the gratitude and willingness to be kind to others.
And things happened.
As I am recovering, and filling out yet another application (why hasn't this gone to a standard format yet?) I get news that one I met in the new community would like some help with a project.
And asked to assist someone in learning a specific item.
And seeing the strength out in these communities helps me believe that there is a way forward.
From the ones that deal with daily things to those that have so much on their plate that I am surprised they can think at all - thank you. I'm not alone, and I can both take and give comfort, advice, and maybe even a smile to you- and know better how to respond to someone else in that situation.
I am refusing to let this stop me. It may slow me down, it may be tough to believe and move forward, but I am going to do it. Not to prove anyone 'right' or 'wrong': but because I have seen the happiness that could be on the other side.
As I sit here, the second black eye of my life fading, I have fallen into introspection. This should not happen, and I will not deal with it.
Even if I have been told - again - from those in real life around me, that this is all my fault.
I am a tolerant person, but this is where my limit ends.
There are a lot of similar chords in these two incidents: the time of year, the thoughts of actually moving forward with life and being more than I was, and the fact that it was unexpected, in truth, both times.
But this time, things are different, so I'm treating this, now as a bookend that closes the section of my life where this can happen. I've lived in that space for nearly half my life: it's time to at least peek out the door, and see what the world has to offer.
Many of the differences are not obvious to an outsider, regardless of how well they know me through the keyboard - other than I might be a bit more quiet and intensely focused (a third of a baby blanket in a month? That would have been unheard of before this), as well as a reluctance to disturb people with 'real' things to do while I sat inside, hoping this would go away quickly.
I now have a community now, of not only readers and ex-coworkers, but the groups that I have joined during this time had nearly convinced me that I was worthy and ready to go onward. A few, very special, ones have made it a point to encourage me in ways that would have seemed fantasy to myself 25 years ago.
And the many, many others who have said things that helped keep me afloat, or brought a smile, or simply pulled me out of myself for a few moments. The cumulative effect of these small kindnesses has made it possible for me to come out of this time with sanity, and the gratitude and willingness to be kind to others.
And things happened.
As I am recovering, and filling out yet another application (why hasn't this gone to a standard format yet?) I get news that one I met in the new community would like some help with a project.
And asked to assist someone in learning a specific item.
And seeing the strength out in these communities helps me believe that there is a way forward.
From the ones that deal with daily things to those that have so much on their plate that I am surprised they can think at all - thank you. I'm not alone, and I can both take and give comfort, advice, and maybe even a smile to you- and know better how to respond to someone else in that situation.
I am refusing to let this stop me. It may slow me down, it may be tough to believe and move forward, but I am going to do it. Not to prove anyone 'right' or 'wrong': but because I have seen the happiness that could be on the other side.
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